yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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