I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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