I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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