he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
