Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
