...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
