u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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