Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
