I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
