you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
