you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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