I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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