Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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