I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
