I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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