Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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