she woke up with a sticky ear
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
