i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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