My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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