Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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