and she was petting her beer can
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
