I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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