Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
