Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
