And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize