I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
