he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
