so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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