i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
