I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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