life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I deserve this hangover.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
