i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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