I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
