THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, beer. Big fan.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
