WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
