I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
