Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
