It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
