it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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