Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
