Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
