nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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