Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
