Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
