I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
