$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
birth control should be required to get into college
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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