dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
