I want to walk on stilts...naked
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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