So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize