nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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