It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
