My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
