Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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