Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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