I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
