If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
