its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
