The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
this just has baby written all over it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
