I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
