I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
